New NCAA Guidelines

Due to difficulties in enforcing current NCAA guidelines, the NCAA is implementing new measures to "get tough" on the potential for recruiting violations. Here is a draft of the regulations under consideration:

In order to reduce the potential for unfairly biasing potential recruits for athletic teams, the NCAA is implementing guidelines to keep all forms of human contact to a minimum while recruits are on campus.

The following conduct will be considered as infractions of NCAA rules, and any college athletic program employing them will be subjected to disciplinary action.

1. Coaching staff must refrain from handshakes with recruits that are of any more than 3 seconds in duration. Unnecessary eye contact shall also be avoided.
2. Universities must enforce a "buffer zone" of 100 feet between potential recruits and members of the opposite sex while recruits are on campus. If recruiting visits take place while students are on campus, female students shall be instructed to refrain from applying cosmetic products to their faces. The institution shall also provide them with robes, burkas, or other coverings so that no skin is visible except in an area no more than 2 inches above or below the eyes. Such coverings must be of uniform color and contain no patterns or designs that could attract undue attention. In the case of visits by female athletes, male students shall refrain from showering for 3 days prior to the visit to reduce the chance for interaction with athletes.
3. Smiles, laughs, or any other "warm gestures" that may be interpreted by recruits as actions to make them feel "comfortable" or "at ease" must be avoided.
4. Remarks, which either explicitly or implicitly suggest or recommend local restaurants or hotels that have not adopted policies forbidding staff from engaging customers in all conversation other than that which is directly related to the specific service being transacted, are forbidden.
5. Verbal directions or instructions on how to navigate campus roads or facilities must be avoided. All such instructions must be in writing, although universities may provide for "self-guided" tours that may include written guide books and tape-recorded messages whose subjects are limited to objective discussion of the campus and facilities. Any tape recordings used must avoid being "friendly" in tone or content. Alleged breaches of this regulation will be ruled on by a panel of French philosophy professors employed by the NCAA.
6. Treating recruits to on-campus sporting events shall be forbidden, as they may give athletes a biased impression of the popularity of particular athletic programs among students, alumni, and the general community.
7. Plans must be designed and implemented that minimize the likelihood that recruits will come into contact with any alumni. If it is impossible to evacuate all alumni within a 10-mile radius of campus during recruitment visits, all practicable action shall be taken to ensure that alumni wear a red "A" visibly on their person so that recruits will know to avoid them.
8. The NCAA reserves the right to make other rules and regulations to limit untoward displays of hospitality or friendliness that may infringe on recruits' capacities for objective decisionmaking.