Monday, June 27, 2005
On this day:

The Justices: Time to Find a New Line of Work

It seems to me that the only real conclusion to be drawn from today's Ten Commandments rulings is that at least five justices should seriously consider packing their bags to follow their true callings in life. If they want to be interior designers and lawn care technicians, so be it. Here's a little ad to get them started in their new endeavor:

Stevens: Hi folks, I'm John Paul Stevens. During my 30 years on the Supreme Court, I've had the opportunity to rule in many interesting cases. Unfortunately, I've forgotten most of what I've written over all those years...I am 85 years old, you know. Oh well. On to better things. Mister Just...ummm...Justice O'Connor - would you care to tell the lovely people out there a little more about our exciting new venture?

O'Connor: Certainly, Justice Stevens. Justice Stevens and I, along with our colleagues Souter, Ginsburg, and Breyer, have decided to go into business together. Life on the Supreme Court is quite a burden sometimes - often unduly so - so we've decided to head out into the hinterlands and do some real public service. We are proud to announce the arrival of JUST-US Home and Garden Concepts, serving all of your lawn care and interior design needs.

Souter: Jobby-job...hehehe.

Ginsburg: Ummm...thanks, Sandy...and Dave. Many people, especially women and minorities, often have difficulties creating living environments that adequately conform to acceptable standards of aesthetic appeal and intellectual stimulation, while simultaneously cultivating thema reflecting sub-societal aversions to the governing racist patriarchy. That's where we come in.

Souter: Beedie-beedie-beep.

Breyer: As Ruth said...or at least I think she did...most of us want our homes and workplaces to breathe. It's so dehumanizing to go to work in the morning only to be greeted with the sameness we left the day before. Same plants, same photos, same lighting - which all too often simply reflect the values and desires of others, leading to feelings of helplessness and wanton despair. As Justice Kennedy might say if he were here, we need to be able to "define our own concepts of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life." Informed by international tastes and norms, of course.

Souter: Ooh-la-la! Cest la vie. Ere-whay is-ay y-may oupee-tay?

O'Connor: Justice Souter - please! Anyway folks, give us a call and put us to work on your next improvement project. Whether at home or at the office, every day will hold something new and exciting. From window treatments and floor coverings to lawn care and outdoor structures, you'll never know quite what to expect. We've proven that for years.

Stevens: Thanks, everyone. And, don't forget - our work is compliant with all applicable federal statutes. We should know - we rewrote 'em! Now, let's all join in for a little jingle.

Souter: Ringle jingle. We refangle. Hehe.

Group (singing to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic):

The best years of our lives were spent just making up the law
Now we're paying our own bills and we'll fix all your little flaws
We've taken emanations - turned 'em into penum-bras
But, now we're marching on!

Call us up and we'll do wonders
Tear down walls from here to yonder
Never, ever will we plunder
You'll thank us when we're gone!

Souter: Yee-haw!

Announcer: Dial 1-800-4-JUST-US for a free estimate.