The crappiest invention of all time

The other day, I came across this piece by Nick Schulz, in which he discussed the auto-flush toilet. If you're lucky, your office hasn't yet been equipped with one of these contraptions, but be prepared: it's coming your way soon. Then, you'll understand the typical scenario:

There you are - taking care of business - maybe reading the local newspaper or just having a little thoughtful interlude from the stresses of the day - then all of a sudden...click, whirrrr. Before you can say, "What the...?", you are greeted with the dreaded bum sprinkle.

As the initial shock fades, gentle reason takes over and you think to yourself, "OK...perhaps I moved a smidge and the sensor-thingy thought I was done...no biggie. If I remain perfectly still, it won't happen again."

You soon find out that this is no small feat: to stay perfectly still even as you exert the energy required to complete the task at hand is just not that easy. And it's all in vain, anyway. Even as you are perched upon the throne like The Thinker, and just as motionless...there comes the inevitable click, whirrrr, followed this time by a string of obscenities that echoes through the room, to the great amusement of the other occupants. One of them chimes in, "Let us know if we need to call somebody to pull you out." Gee, thanks, s***head.

As clean-up operations commence, the need for speed becomes more urgent, as the click, whirrrs come with increased frequency. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do but to grin and bear it, since there are certain things in life that you just don't want to rush.

Now...the guys who invented this atrocious device had to know the blasted things wouldn't work right, but they marketed and sold them anyway. Where are all the lawyers when you need 'em? Why can't a few of them stop chasing ambulances and go after the auto-flush conglomerate? Where are the Democrats? Lord knows they love to regulate...so let 'em regulate. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this problem, once and for all.

In the meantime, here's a little tip: next time you have to use a toilet with auto-flush, take a Post-it note in with you and place it so that it covers the IR sensor on the toilet. It'll never even know you're there. (Alternately, you could take in a sledgehammer and pound the thing into oblivion, but that could result in a perpetual flush situation and/or criminal charges, so I wouldn't necessarily recommend it.)