Wednesday, August 02, 2006
On this day:

A few religious jokes

Because it never hurts to take ourselves a little less seriously. Hope y'all enjoy.

Baptist Joke #1:
Q: Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

A: Because if you take just one, he'll drink all your beer.

Baptist Joke #2:

You might be a Southern Baptist if:

- You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.

- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.

- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.

- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.

- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.
Baptist joke #3:

One day a man dies, who was a devout Christian. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and begins to give him a tour of Heaven. As the tour goes on, Saint Paul points out all the different Christians. "There's the Catholics, there's the Lutherans, the Methodists, the Presbyterians", and so forth. As they come to this one group way off to themselves, Saint Paul motions for the man to come closer and whispers. "Now, for this next group, we need to be really quiet. They are the Baptists and they think they're the only ones in Heaven."

Baptist Joke #4:

How do you know that Adam was a Baptist?

Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.

Baptist and Methodists:

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist? The Methodist will tell you "howdy" when he sees you in the liquor store.

Multidenominational joke:

How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

Mormons: Just one, after his wives have gotten on the school bus.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Episcopalian Joke #1:

Do you know why Episcopalians are lousy chess players? Because they don't know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen!

Episcopalian Joke #2:

For every four Episcopalians, you're sure to find a fifth.

Episcopalian Joke #3:

A line of people was formed up at the Pearly Gates, waiting to enter. St. Peter was checking their names off a clipboard. The next man stepped up and said, "Peter, I'm Jewish, can I still get in?"

St. Peter said, "Why, of course. We have a reciprocity agreement. Let me just check your records here . . . Uh oh. You know that BLT sandwich you had last week? The "B" is for bacon, and bacon is pork, and you know you're not allowed to eat pork. Sorry, come back later."

The next man stepped up. "St. Peter, I'm Roman Catholic, surely you'll let me
in." St. Peter says, "Why, of course. Let me just check the documentation here . . . Hmmmm -- you know that Big Mac you ate last Friday. It's Lent, you know -- no meat on Friday. You'll have to come back later."

The next man steps up. "I'm Episcopalian, I can get in right away, can't I?" St. Peter says, "Naturally! Let me just check this over . . . Uh oh. That vestry dinner last week? You ate your salad with the fish fork."

UU Joke #1:

Why are Unitarian Universalists such lousy hymn singers? They are reading ahead to see if they agree with the next line.

UU Joke #2:

Q: How can you identify a Unitarian-Universalist extremist group?

A: If they burn a question mark on your lawn.

Mormon Joke #1:

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?
A: Because thirty-six is just too many.

Mormon Joke #2:

A Mormon Bishop got on an elevator on the 10th floor. As the elevator stopped on the 8th floor, a beautiful woman walked in. On the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. She turned to the Bishop and said: "Can you make me feel like a true woman?" The Bishop said: "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes, he then threw them in the corner of the elevator. He turned to the woman pointed to the clothes and said: "Now fold them".

Mormon Joke #3:

Q: Why was the Mormon man upset about his marriage counseling bill?

A: Because he didn't get a group rate.

Catholic Joke #1:

A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"

Catholic joke #2:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T'.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) Recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God'.
13) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Catholic joke #3:

A Catholic priest and a Presbyterian minister used to discuss mutual parish problems over a game of tennis. After a recent visit to the courts they went to have their showers when a fire broke out. They ran out into the street...stark naked.

While they were running for safety, the minister covered his private parts and looking up noticed that his Catholic colleague held his hands over his face.

The minister said: "Why do you cover your face?" "Well," replied the priest, "Most people would recognize my face."

Catholic joke #4:

Two guys are painting the ceiling of a Catholic church when they look down and see a little old lady kneeling in prayer. One of the painters decides to say, " Lady, This is Jesus speaking to you." Nothing happens so he says again, "Woman, this is Jesus speaking to you." Finally the lady looks up and says, "Shut up! I'm speaking to your mother!"
Catholics and Lutherans:

A Lutheran pastor and his wife were driving along Lake Shore Drive, in Chicago, and they were pulled over for speeding. As officer O'Malley approached the pastor, he saw the pastor's clerics, and mistook him for a Roman Catholic priest. "Oh, sorry about dat, fader. Uh, just try and slow it down a little, OK?" As they drove away, the pastor's wife said, "Shame on you, Harold! That was unethical. You know who he thought you were!" "Oh, I know who he thought I was," replied the pastor. "I'm just wondering who he thought you were."

Jews, Protestants, and Baptists:
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
Protestants don't recognize the pope as the Ruler of the Church.
Baptists don't recognize each other in a liquor store.
Jews, Catholics, and Baptists:

In a 1st grade class room, it was Show and Tell day. The teacher picked 3 boys to stand up and present their objects to the class.

The first boy stood up and said "Hi, My name is Abram, I'm Jewish and this is a Matzaball!"

The second boy got up and said "Hi, my name is Johnny and I'm Catholic, this is a Crucifix!"

Finally the third boy got up and said "Hi, My name is Billy and I am Baptist, and this is a casserole!"

Jews, Pentecostals, and Catholics:

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Catholics and Jews:

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

Jewish joke #1:

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town.

The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country."

The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war."

"Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived."

The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for."

She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

Jewish joke #2:

A Jewish man was growing nervous. His son was coming of age and his 13th year
was drawing closer. The Jewish father was concerned that his young son was not
well versed in the Jewish faith and wanted to better educate him on ihs roots
before his bar mitzvah. The father decided to send his young son to Israel to see their homeland and study his heritage.

It later came time for the young boy to return home. The boy came in and fell to his fathers feet thanking him over and over for sending him to Israel. "Ohhh father" he exclaimed excitedly "I learned so much while I was there...but I have some bad news" pausing a second or so he concluded "While I was there I converted to Christianity."

The father fell to his knees "OHHH NOOOO What have I done??" Worried he hurried over to his closest friends house. After explaining what happened to him his friend replied "Funny you should bring this to me...I also sent my son to Israel..and he TOO converted to Christianity."

The two friends almost in a panick decided they must immediatly go to the Rabbi and ask for guidance. After explaining the Rabbi replied "Funny you should bring this to me..I TOO sent my son to Israel and he ALSO converted to Christianity."

All three men in unison fell to their knees and blurted out prayers to God begging for guidance. God quietly replied "Funny you should bring this to me...I TOO sent my son to Israel..."

Jewish Joke #3:

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days and then the pioneers saw an old Jewish rabbi sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" they asked.

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, an bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the rabbi said. "So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jewish people - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old rabbi. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!"

Muslim Joke #1:
Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!