If I wanted a bidet, I'd move to France

I've been trying for years to find out who invented the auto-flush toilet so that I could send him a nasty letter about how he is the worst human being to have ever lived. Well, today, I found the answer. His name is Bill Z. Bubb and he lives in HELL.

You know what I'm talking about. There you are - taking care of business - reading the local newspaper or just having a peaceful respite from the stresses of the day - then all of a sudden...click, whirrrr. Before you can say, "What the *^&%?", your nether regions have been unceremoniously sprinkled with toilet water. Not funny.

Almost as bad is when you try to do a "courtesy flush" for the folks next door and the little black button that is supposed to produce a flush when pushed doesn't. It clicks and it buzzes, but to make it work, you have to stand up, dance a little jig, wave your hands around like a mime on speed, and then push the button again. Also not funny.

And so I'm with Nick Shultz on this one: the auto-flush toilet is indeed "the crappiest invention of all-time."