Canadian Group Invites Ridicule

The web site www.canadianalternative.com says Canada might be the "perfect alternative for conscientious, forward-thinking Americans" distressed at the recent election results in the U.S. Here are the reasons they give, translated for those who don't understand Canuckese.

1. Canada has universal public health care.
Translation: If you want higher taxes and rationed health care, feel free to go to Canada. If you are rich enough to seek treatment in the U.S. when the Canada's government-run health care system can't meet your needs, go to Canada...their government needs your tax money.

2. Canada has no troops in Iraq.
Translation: If you are content to be the "little brother" of the free world, relying on others to send their sons and daughters to bleed and die for your freedom, go to Canada.

3. Canada signed the Kyoto Protocol environmental treaty.
Translation: If you believe that the best way to preserve the environment is to stifle technological innovation and impede economic progress, then go to Canada.

4. More than half of Canada's provinces allow same-sex marriage.
Translation: If you think that the "traditional family" is a thing of the past and you believe that certain passages in the Bible constitute "hate speech" that should be forbidden, then go to Canada.

5. The Canadian Senate recommends legalizing marijuana.
Translation: Go to Canada.

6. Canada has no law restricting abortion.
Translation: Canada has the same court-dictated policy on abortion as the U.S. has. But, if you're tired of dealing with nasty anti-abortion zealots and want your country's foreign policy to support a worldwide right to abortion, go to Canada.

7. Canada has strict gun laws and relatively little violence.
Translation: If you believe in universal gun registration and that ideally, only the police and military would have the right to bear arms, then go to Canada.

8. The United Nations has ranked Canada the best country to live in for eight consecutive years.
Translation: If you think that an organization that places Libya, Cuba, Algeria, China, Zimbabwe, Sudan, and Vietnam on its "Human Rights Commission" is a good judge of what the "best country to live in" is, then go to Canada.

9. Canada abolished the death penalty in 1976.
Translation: If you believe that murderers and rapists have a right to life, but unborn children do not, then go to Canada.

10. Canada has not run a federal deficit since 1996-97.
Translation: If you believe that it is more important to confiscate the wealth of your citizens to preserve a paper surplus than it is to protect your nation's security, then you might consider going to Canada.

Source: AP

Disclaimer to emigrants: Do not be surprised if you find that your new neighbors up North are not as "enlightened" as you thought they would be. Many people in the western provinces are quite conservative, and would feel at home in red-state America. However, they are outnumbered by the more liberal populace in Ontario, Quebec, and other eastern provinces. If you are a distressed liberal American, I'd recommend moving to Ontario...or Quebec if you want to practice up on your French.