Siegelman announces new plan to care for state's senior citizens

Proposes to hire them all as Assistants to the Governor.

You know, Don may be on to something here. I can see it now:

Scene 1:

[Setting: The Governor's office. Mail has just arrived.]

DS: "[opening mail] Well, whaddya know! Ol' Richie pulls through for me again! [softer] Let's just hope this check will clear."

Elderly Staffer #1 [British gent, came to Alabama in 1962, chauffeur for the Governor]: "What was that, Don? The Metamucil's here? Oh, blessed day, blessed day. I've become almost arse over elbow over the stuff here lately, you know. All this motoring we've been doing has got my innards all twisted in knots. I really dunno how you keep it up, Don. Not your willy, mind you...you're still a young lad, eh? Just all this bloody travelling to and fro. Say, Don, do you fancy the Metamucil, as well?"

DS: "Ummmm...yeah, good stuff. Say, Jeeves, could you go out and pick up a bottle of champagne?"

Elderly Staffer #1: "I'm James, sir."

DS: "Oh, right. Moet, please...and don't forget the two dots above the "e.""

James: "Yes, sir."

Scene 2:

[Setting: The Governor's office.]

Elderly Staffer #2 [Mz. Juna Belle McElrod, Secretary to the Governor, born 1925, Lickskillet, Alabama]: "[On phone] Well, Eula Rae, I'm doin' just fine, I reckon. My rheumatism's been actin' up a little lately, due to all these papers Don's been havin' me sign, but other'n that, I'm doin' good. [Signing papers.] Oh yeah, bless his heart, he is a sweet thing. Even brought me flowers yesterday. [Fumbles for the State Seal stamp underneath the flower canopy.] That was awful nice of him. And I had thought that chivalry was a lost art. [Stamping...] I just love bein' around young and powerful men, don't you Eula Rae? Speakin' of which, how's that ethics bill comin' along in the legislature? The Governor's quite concerned about it, you know?

Scene 3:

[Setting: Alabama State House]

Elderly Staffer #3: [Eula Rae Latham, Legislative Liaison for Governor Siegelman]: Senator, don't you dare give me no lip. I know what you've been out doing. Don't try to pull one over on me, boy. You forget that my cousin Jenny knows your Aunt Orphelia who just happened to tell Jenny's sister Sarah that not only have you been sleeping with every two-bit hussy this side of the Coosa - you've done gone and knocked up that little Fitzer gal from Cullman. Now, we wouldn't want that spread news all across the state, would we? I thought not. Now, you get your low-down white-trash ass out there and vote against this-here so-called ethics in government act, or there'll be hell to pay.

Unknown Alabama State Senator: OK, Granny Gums...but I...I...

Elderly Staffer #3: [aka Eula Mae Latham aka UASS's Granny Gums] I done told you not to give me no lip, boy. Now you dry up those tears and go out there and do what I told you!

Unknown Alabama State Senator: [Sniffling.] Yes, ma'am. Just don't tell mama.