Happy Bastille Day!

If you're a Frenchman, raise both hands so we'll know who you are!

I hear they celebrated in Paris today by planting trees along the Champs Elysees - so that next time the Germans can march in the shade.

They were going to have a big fireworks show at the Eiffel Tower this evening, but after the first shot, France surrendered to China.

The French army will be entertained tonight with a special showing of its favorite film - Forrest Gump. Nike will be providing free running shoes as door prizes. Coppertone will be handing out free sunscreen so the army men won't burn their armpits; Gillette will give away razors so the women can shave theirs. Rosetta Stone will provide copies of their software so that soldiers will be able to say "I surrender" in any language. Swiss Army will be distributing their famous knives, customized for use by the French military: the logo will be a white cross on a white background.

In honor of Bastille Day, the U.N. flew a white flag at its NYC headquarters today. President Obama sent a note of congratulations to the French people, in which he commended them for their support in the war against terrorism, especially for teaching the terrorists how to properly surrender.

The French have commissioned a new ship for their navy this Bastille Day. A marvel of engineering, it has a glass bottom so that its sailors can see all the other ships in the French Navy.

On a sad note, a French soap factory burned to the ground today. Oh...never mind...that wasn't in France.