Irresponsible Drunken Sot Encourages Electoral Binge

Got another comment today from someone whose level of gruntledness was a little lacking when confronted with the idea that enjoyment of the presidential debates might benefit from the consumption of vile liquors:

You were up at 12:24 a.m. posting this drivel. I hope your employer gets his/her time out of you each day....encouraging drinking in correlation with voting is pretty lame.

Now, I'd just like to point out for the record that I was not "encouraging drinking in correlation with voting." I think it's best to go to the voting booth sober, especially if you live in an area that uses punch-card ballots. Even the soberest of voters have occasionally had difficulty following the clearest of directions on how to use such ballots.

Here are a few other helpful hints for voters in tomorrow's election:

1. If you are dead, you are not eligible to vote. However, this rule is rarely enforced in many Democratic-leaning precincts. If you are a post-mortem resident of such a precinct, you must use your best judgment when deciding whether to cast your ballot.
2. If you intend to cast a ballot for your late grandparents, it is up to you to make sure that their names have not been purged from the voting rolls. If they are still on the list, you are home free. In the unlikely event that their names have been removed, ask a poll worker for a provisional ballot. Do not provide any other information. If your conscience starts to get to you, just remember...dear ol' grandma and grandpa are looking down, beaming with pride.
3. If you got out of prison within the last week, you are probably ineligible to vote in most states. However, due to recent lawsuits, it is unlikely that you will encounter a policeperson or probation officer in the vicinity of a polling place. If you choose to vote under such circumstances, be sure to display a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker prominently on your automobile, bicycle, or shopping cart.
4. If you live in Maine or Vermont and live in a prison due to an inconvenient run-in with law enforcement agents, you are eligible to vote by absentee ballot. But, don't worry about filling out your ballot yourself. If you know what's best for you, just hand it to the biggest and/or meanest guy on the block and he'll take care of it for you.
5. In general, you are only allowed to vote in the precinct in which you are registered. However, this rule has recently been waived for Kerry supporters. This could come in handy if you want to cast your ballot in multiple precincts.
6. If you are an illegal immigrant, you should choose a voting precinct in which you will blend in unnoticed with other voters. In the event that you are challenged at the polling place, just ask for a provisional ballot. If you are asked for ID, show a valid driver's license issued by the state in which you are voting. If you live in one of the many states that do not require an ID to vote, just cast your vote and go out and have a Corona afterwards to celebrate the benefits afforded to non-citizens in America.
7. At some polling places, you may encounter international observers. If so, be sure to take advantage of the opportunity for cultural exchange. Bring along recipes, trinkets, and heirlooms to share. Many of these observers come from countries whose form of government is so advanced that they don't even have to have elections. These guests have taken leave from their important work at the United Nations to provide our country with the benefits of their expertise. If you are lucky enough to meet an observer from France, be sure to thank them for giving us the Statue of Liberty and for allowing our boys to live there for a few years during the 1940's.
8. Above all else, enjoy the opportunity to do your civic duty, just like all the lawyers at the polling places will be enjoying theirs.